The Cream of The Crap...er...Crop:The Top 10 REALLY BAD Ideas/Trends In Hip-Hop #5-1

Let's continue/cuz I got more"-Cool Chip

-Cont'd-

5. Horrorcore:

Abortions with rusty hangers? Check! Impregnation by demons and sex with corpses? Check and DOUBLE CHECK! Carrot Top? Ok, he doesn't have shit do with this but have you seen him lately? He scares the hell outta me. Around 1994, Russell Simmons coined the term when describing his group Flatlinerz and their type of music. He said it was the next phase of Hip-Hop. I think he also said that he and Kimora would last forever around the same time as well... Anyway, other than the Gravediggaz and RA The Rugged Man's Crustified Dibbs experiment, it amounted to little more than a bunch of cats trying to outgross each other and alot of A&R types signing anyone who could rhyme something with "fish hook up the ass". In one way, I think guys like RZA pushed themselves creatively to do this stuff...but then again the original title of the Diggaz album was Niggamortus. Fortunately, a little album called Ready To Die changed alot of people's tastes that year and Horrorcore took it's rightful place in the morgue...or the .99 cent bin at Tower Records.

4. New Jack Swing:

Damn you Teddy Riley! I love Heavy D. and Redhead Kingpin was my shit back in the day but Wreckxxx N Effect? Guy? Christopher Williams? Hip-Hop had an affair with new wave R&B in the early 90's. They used the same breaks and beats as rap but they sang over them with an occasional "guest rap". In one way, it was very radio-friendly and softened up MTV and other stations (VH-1) for the urban-heavy rotations that would come later on. However it was mostly forgettable, rapidly dated stuff that didn't stand the test of time. Does anyone realize that this music is responsible for Color Me Badd? That's like knowingly dropping a cannister of Ebola in Times Square! You're out of you're frickin' minds over there at Viacom. Hip-Hop Honors my ass.

3. ...UNSPEAKABLE

In 1993 this happened:

...YES that's big homie from Juice...yes...Steel!

In 1995 THIS HAPPENED! Do I have to say anything else? DO I? There's a Ron Jeremy and DJ Polo single out there too. BAD IDEA? Nah, I'm buggin'...

2. Ballas "Rappin' ":
Now I'm not talking about the immortal Jewelz LP by the lyrical dynamo known as A.I. This even predates the Roy Jones holocaus...er...album. Back in the early 90's, Shaquille O'Neal launched a multi-media camapign the likes of which no one had seen before. Shaq was in movies. He had action figures, a Pepsi deal, there was even Shaq-condoms (which he never took advantage of...OK I'm lyin'about the hats but dude got swimmers.) He even released an album with some decent rhymes that had some top shelf producers at the time. So what happened next? B-Ball's Best Kept Secret, a collection of really (below) average NBA player/ rhymers paired with the likes of Grand Puba, Diamond D, Warren G., Clark Kent and few others. Shaq appearing on this collection was like a guest appearance from Hov. They were all that bad! What did it produce? A Cedric Ceballos single and an in depth interview on Inside Stuff about his upcoming album and single "Ain't That Type of Party" *shudder* A MERCIFULLY SHELVED SCOTTIE PIPPEN ALBUM! Dude talks like the illegitimate son of Cleveland from Family Guy and Barry White. Manure like this is the reason why people even entertained the idea of Iverson or Jones. Bad Hip-Hop! *slaps its hand* Bad HIP-HOP!

1. Nice & Smooth team up with...NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK!?! A collab is a collab, right? The Fat Boys teamed up with The Beach Boys and Chubby Checker! Big Daddy Kane looked like the black member of Sgt. Pepper when he teamed up with Patti LaBelle in that video! PE did a song with Anthrax! This however is like going to a cemetary, digging up a corpse re-burying it face down and then taking a steaming dump on the site. This is the unholiest of unholies. Here's the story: After a bit of a layoff, New Kids got tired of being a running joke in the industry and tried to make a comeback. So what did they do? They Bin Ladened my Hip-Hop. Just look at the video with all the cliche's(hoodies, bonfires, Timbs, ROTTWEILERS!) The unkindest cut was listening to Greg Nice deliver this gem: Yo (yo) why you wanna act like a tramp? (tramp)/a wet food stamp. That was like getting kicked in the nuts by Hercules. Even worse...the production isn't half bad. They even sampled James Brown's Papa Don't Take No Mess and DWYCK. Still, definitely one of the darkest days in music and an ENORMOUSLY BAD IDEA. Just watch:

I Shouldn't Have Done It: The Top 10 REALLY BAD Ideas/Trends In Hip-Hop #10-6

When you love something, you love it warts and all. You take the good and the bad. If you have a funny Uncle Cleofus who's funny as hell but he smell like ass, you still hug him at the cookout but you keep it movin'...FAST. Well, I love Hip-Hop in all it's forms (even New Jack Swing but VH-1 was out of their flippin' minds however...) and even if there is an Uncle Cleofus or two, I'll hug 'em and keep it movin'. These guys get the Hug n' Move treatment:

10. LL Cool Thug, Gangsta Hammer & The Blue Cheese Guys Carry Machetes:

People do things to stay in the public eye. Britney shows that twizzy whenever she gets in and out of cars. Other celebs call the paps everytime they step out to go throw out the trash and rappers change their style. Fruits of Nature was dope! I understand that there was more to them than that image but Unleashed with the bonfires, hoodies and machetes? Come on man. I found out that lack of label support had a lot to do with this by third party accounts as well as reading stuff from Kool Kim but Timbo Hammer and Grimey L? Bad judgment. I understand this all happened Post-Wu and Pre- Shiny Suit but you can't introduce yourself wearing Genie pants and Solid Gold dancer gear and then all of a sudden you embrace your inner Treach and start stompin' in a speedo with boots and a skully. Uncle L? The man who made earrings jingle and needed love talking about shooting people in the head? Survey says: "ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

9. Rigeddy-Rawr!!!:

Who started it? Who igiddy-ed in my biggidy? Some people say it was Jaz and Jay-Z. Other people claim Das took it to the next level but due to HEAVY jock riding, it got tired real quick. Chip-Fu gave me a headache and Original Flavor (feat. Jay-Z) was more of the same. When this cat started doing it weekly on 90210 (hey my sister used to watch that shit...) and had the cajones to "drop" a RAP ALBUM? NO MIGGIDY MAS!!

8. Female Versions of Male Groups:

Whyyyyyy!?!

Aquaman had Aqualad. Flash had Kid Flash. Then there was BWP, H.W.A. and The Ghetto Girlz...*channeling Nancy Kerrigan* WHY!?! I don't remember thinking to myself: "Golly I wonder how Scarface would rap if he was a chick?" This was a cheap marketing ploy made up by dumb ass record execs who would rather jump on the back of something than create from scratch. I remember in that wack ass "My Man's Playin Tricks on Me" video that they had a midget there...TO BE A MIDGET! That's it! Word to Bushwick, that chick didn't say shit. She just completed the group! Good news is that the guy that signed them now has a part time job testing bullet proof vests. Ok...well...he should...

7. Kid Rappers Mean Muggin' and Growin' Up Fast:

Remember Illegal? Remember how frightened you were when you saw Malik and Jamal on camera and thought: "Where the hell are their parents?" Remember when Da Treach-staz...er Younstaz decided that they weren't gonna pass the mic but crack it over your fuckin' head? The saddest part about that was I remember listenin to No Mercy (Where the oldest one had to be 16) and on one of their songs, they "reminisced" about "goin' in raw without wearin' a hat." I guess nobody wants to Miss The Bus anymore? Jesus.

6. The Hip House Movement:

Don't kill me! I don't mean the legendary I'll House You or "dance rap" like Doug E. Fresh's Summertime or Rob Base's It Takes Two. I'm talking about the shit that had me and my friends puttin colors in our flat tops and wearing big ass leather shoes with metal tips on them and baggy open shirts (Ahh..shut the hell up!). House music was big and at one point alot of artists had a house cut on their album (see: The House That Cee Built or EPMD's It's Time To Party) but I'm sorry most hip house music was boring and repetitive and most importantly had extremely short shelf life. You'd bus' out Rock Box in your ride today but you wouldn't dare pump any of that nonsense. Even De La Soul was sick of it as evidenced by Kicked Out The House off the De La Soul Is Dead LP. I get it, "Get up dance, shake your butt...etc." but Do It To The Crowd? Neneh Cherry on Video Music Box every week? KYZE (The Stomp! Move Jump Jack Your Body dude)? Kill me...No seriously...KILL ME!

-Cont.-